The Terrifying Fear of Speaking Up in a Group
And how to deal with it.
Published in
Jul 10
So often when people like me are in a group of people, at some social event for instance, we are afraid to speak up in a conversation. We like to be inconspicuous and just listen. We decide that if a moment comes when we feel invited to share our views or a comment, then of course we will speak.
But what is there to prevent you from boldly speaking up at just any old time… for no reason other than just to say something?
What are you really scared of? That can be a loaded question for sure.
You may remember the following famous quote:
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…”
— Pres. Franklin Delano Roosevelt, March 4, 1933
We think we are afraid of speaking up in a group of people, but what we really fear (or dread) is the feeling of being afraid.
Nonetheless, for many people including myself, the fear of feeling fear can be daunting enough.
In the olden days, fear got you out of some really tough spots… like “life or death” kinds of spots. But let’s face it, anything that you might fear related to speaking up in a group of people isn’t going to kill you.
You are justified in fearing this!…. [Photo by Mike Marrah on Unsplash]
And if it’s not going to kill you, you’ll be alright.
It’s a common thing for humans to “fear… fear itself”, but overcoming that fear is the first step in getting over the fear of speaking up in a group. What you actually dread is the feelings that you associate with speaking up. If you knock that barrier down, then you can work on fixing the things that you think you are afraid of.
Don’t worry, you don’t have to do it all at once. You don’t have to wake up one day and declare that you’re miraculously over the fear. — Mainly because that won’t work.
But you do have to do the following to lay the groundwork for success: a) Find an environment that’s friendly, b) Find an environment where the vibe of the conversation is generally something that you feel comfortable speaking about, and c) have the strength to keep trying if it doesn’t work out so well the first few times.
So again, what do you think you’re scared of when speaking up in a crowd? Let’s explore the possibilities…
1Are you afraid that you won’t speak eloquently enough? Are you afraid that your nouns and verbs won’t agree? Are you afraid that you won’t find just the right word for what you’re trying to describe? If you are going to an environment where perfect speech matters and that you can’t live up to that standard, then you should find a better environment where “beautiful talk” doesn’t matter as much. Honestly, the truth is that it’s the energy of your words that matters the most. It’s the sentiment that counts. People that are worthy of your time will care about what’s coming from your soul, not the floweriness of the words coming from your mouth.
Look at the example of John Lewis, the venerable civil rights leader and Congressman. He suffered a speech impediment after being intentionally clubbed on the skull by a policeman at Bloody Sunday, but I’ll be darned if people didn’t hang on to his every word when he spoke!
2Are you scared of saying something ridiculous or embarrassing or awkward? This of course is not related to your education level. It’s about whether you have a fear of not being polished enough with your delivery… that you will say things the wrong way, and thus sound stupid or ridiculous. Or maybe you will withhold your comment because you think someone else can say it better. Well no matter who you are, your own individual voice is just as important as anyone else’s. Someone else may be able to say it better, but so what?! Just like your vote, your voice counts equally as much as anyone else’s!
Look at it as a game… The person who says it first earns the most points. How you say it has no point value at all! So go ahead — speak your mind! Cash those points you’ve given yourself and reward yourself for your assertiveness!
3Are you frightened of saying something deemed as uninteresting, and then they will roll their eyes and keep on talking over you or to other people? Are you afraid of saying something that doesn’t add any value to the conversation? Well, it’s true… there are situations where the people around you may pretend like they didn’t hear you speak at all. I’ve experienced that. But it’s not the end of the world if that happens.
Oftentimes, we feel that we get value from someone else acknowledging what we’ve said. But over time, you must work on self-validation. Give your own self credit for speaking up. You don’t really need their validation. Again, this isn’t an easy or instantaneous mindset change. It does take practice and time to shift your thinking.
4Are you fearful of saying something that is offensive? Well, this is a bigger issue. If you are scared of saying something offensive, this might be the one case when you shouldn’t say anything at that moment… especially if this is a totally new group of people or a consequential group of people.
5Are you afraid of not being clever or witty enough? Hey, it’s not a competition. The funniest person doesn’t take home an award. Just be yourself! Maybe after several more interactions, your more clever, wittier, funnier side will reveal itself. Or maybe you’re already wittier than you think you are. Either way, in the end, you’ll be glad that you didn’t let it deter you from speaking.
6Are you afraid of not fitting in? Are you afraid of being judged? Honestly, people aren’t focused on you as much as you think you are. If you feel that people have judged you as totally lame and undesirable to talk to, they won’t think about you at all after you’ve left. So have some cold comfort in the fact that there is a 99% chance that they will never mention you again. There is no need to continue to worry about it after the fact. Once again, you will fail a few times. That is normal. And that is ok. Failure won’t kill you. Keep failing until you’ve got the hang of it and you’re comfortable talking in a group of people. There is no need to fear failure either. It won’t kill ya.
7Do you even fear simply looking like you’re fearful? Similar to above, fake it till you make it. Smile… look pleasant, look like you’re happy to be in the conversation. If you’re feeling a little nervous, grab a drink, or a bite to eat to occupy your hands… and stay in the conversation. If all else fails, get up, go to the restroom, regroup yourself, and get back in there. You have a right to be there, and to speak your voice.
Which leads me to elaborate further… You have the right to speak up just by the fact that you are a human being taking up space on this earth and you have a mind that is capable of crafting a thought. That’s literally all that matters. That alone gives you the right to speak up and assert yourself. You don’t need confirmation from your listeners of your right to speak up.
But don’t worry, you’ll eventually get acknowledged. And if you don’t, then it might not be the group of people for you. So try another crowd. Keep trying until you find your tribe! It will happen! Someone will always eventually value the unique way that you present yourself and your thoughts to the world. You will find someone that connects with you.
Also, remember no one promised you that everything must be easy from the moment you decide to make a change or improve your life. That’s not the way it works. You have to keep fighting your fears… day after day… month after month. You will look back and say…
“It was so worth it because look at me now! Now you can’t shut me up!”
